sunshine superchik | part i

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This picture was taken a few weeks ago to commemorate the first time we had ever been to White Castle. That's my feasting face there, with me clutching several pounds of White Castle goodies.

We were halfway through a hideous drive back home from Detroit when we saw the white battlements glowing through the rain (it was raining). The rain stopped as we parked, and we took it as a sign of wonderful things to come because we were tired and we were starving and we were finally going to eat at White Castle.

White Castle, maaan! (say it like Tommy Chong)

Never mind the bullet-proof glass shielding the register. Ignore the hideous mullet on meth steaming something beyond. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, because you are hungry and it smells fantastic like food.

We bought classic steamed hamburger and cheeseburger sliders, but there was more. MUCH MORE! There were pork sliders and chicken sliders and fish sliders and - WTF!? - a double-stacked "surf and turf" slider!!?

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SURF N' TURF / GROTESQUE N' LOVELY

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We bought 'em all, and scurried back to the van with our perfect road trip food.

There was something magical about buying the teeny weeny burgers from a castle. Opening the cute packaging was fun, and we just KNEW that this, this was going to be delicious.

We took the first bites together.

I had never felt this way about a burger before. Why the hell would someone sell me a Goddamned wet burger!? The bread, the onions, the "meat" ... everything was soggy. The cheese on the cheeseburger oozed off. The chicken wasn't. Etc. The only thing I could eat was the pork sliders, but I'll eat anything with BBQ sauce on it, so that doesn't count!

I'd been deceived! Who had told me that White Castle was delicious? Why had no one sent me this video?

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Something horrible happens when you're starving and stuck with bad food, though. You know it's bad and you know it's going to make you sick, but you I eat it anyway.

The whole experience left me wondering whether Harold and Kumar would actually get off the couch for these things. I came up with "No. They would not."

But f*** those stoners! Why had I gone to White Castle?

I'd had the frozen White Castle sliders, which we'd toasted in our little oven. They were tasty, and they look good in the advertisements, but nothing had prepared me for the fact that "real" sliders were steamed, except maybe that Harold and Kumar were retarded fictional potheads.

What the f*** kind of meat was that, anyway!? Never again, 'Roldy.

Never. Again.