i write about wine | part vi

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HIGH FIDELITY

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Devout Christians claim to see the hand of God in all things, and - to these people - that sight is a comfort and a strength. I've heard them read off beautiful expositions expounding upon the Graceful hand that shaped each leaf, sprinkled every drop of dew, and I've seen them grow in strength and joy simply reading about their creator. These few, faithful people really do see God in the details - let's face it: ain't just anybody seein' Jesus in a tortilla.

I think it's safe to say that I am not a Christian. Not really. It's not what I am or what I am not that is relevant here, though - what is relevant, and what I feel makes me very like these hyper-religious people I just described, is that I see Lancias everywhere.

Take, for example, the Dodge Avenger rally project shown in the video, above. Jalopnik writer Justin Hyde said that this 300 hp car - built in conjunction with Fiat and Magneti Marelli - was "all dressed up with no place to go."

Really, Justin? Really!?

Take a look at this car. Look hard, and soak it in - but keep an open mind, too, because - unless you're as damaged as I am - I'll need to explain what it is you're looking at.

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THIS DOES NOT MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS

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I submit, for your consideration, the following hypothesis: Justin (along with the boys at Autoblog) got it dead wrong.

See, the 300 hp rally-spec Dodge shown here is nothing but red-herring. It is a ruse. It is a diversion, if you will, which will allow Chrysler and Fiat to develop something novel, exciting, and inspiring in relative secrecy, by hiding it in plain sight. I am referring, of course, to a new Lancia HF.

:: remember to breathe, remember to breathe ::

There is very little in this world that is more exciting to me than the prospect of honest-to-goodness new Lancia arriving on US shores, and almost nothing that is more exciting to me than the prospect of a new HF.

Add the word "Integrale" to the end of that sentence and you can drop the "almost".

I believe, with the same religiastic Fervor that makes believers see the Virgin Mary in a grease stain, that the Dodge Stratus rally car that was making news today is a mule, proving that the platform can boogie in the dirt. The platform, by the way, which it shares with Chrysler's new 200. AKA the 2012 Lancia Flavia.

Lancia Flavia HF has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

With 300 hp on tap and sport-tuned, rally-bred suspension components managing the car's newly-refined chassis, a Flavia HF would go a long way towards building the Chrysler 200's cred as a Lancia worthy of carrying the shield and the flag... and Fiat would be mad not to move forward with the concept ... and I think someone at Fiat agrees.

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STEADY NOW

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I promise you: the Lancia Flavia HF will happen, and you'll be done seen 'bout ev'rything, when you see a elephant fly.

excuses to write about lancias

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TIPTOE THROUGH THE TULIPS

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You should learn to let go of the things you loved when you were five. I'm not telling you to forget those things and people that made some moments specialer than others, here. I'm just saying that holding on to these things can lead to unhealthy obsessions.

If you've been reading along for a while, it should come as no surprise that I've found yet another excuse to write about Lancia's impending return to US shores over on Gas 2.0.

Enjoy!

a new hope

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BLUE IS SO MY COLOR

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Any day that starts off with a new Lancia is a good day, but a day that starts out with a new pad, a surprisingly competent McBarista, and a reason to wake up in the morning a new Lancia Stratos is certainly one for the books.

I won't lie, I've been going through a lot these last few months. Some good, of course, but mostly digging myself from one rut into another ... but Lancia Stratos' have (historically) proven to be especially good at getting from rut to rut in record time. This new Stratos prototype was caught testing around Fiat's corporate proving grounds, and (being powered, potentially, by a Multi-air version of Fiatsler's new Phoenix V6 engine) might prove to be the quickest Lancia yet!

I'll definitely be revisiting this new Lancia soon, I hope. For now, though, I'll have to be happy just looking at the pretty picture and watching some historic Stratos racing footage. Thanks to Ray Wert and the guys at Jalopnik for making my day.

500 for love

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I love small things. Blame the estrogen.

I love fast things. Blame Hollywood, Tom Cruise sliding across the floor in his underwear, and Days of Thunder.

The Fiat 500 is one of my favorite cars of the first description, and I can't wait for the new Fiatsler to bring the tiny deathtrap back to US shores.

Unfortunately, it seems like these mini cars will be getting the Biggie-size treatment, with a longer, wider, and more "accommodating" version more fit for robust American bodies.

Embiggened microcars? The charm of these little 500s has always been their diminutive size. Is it sad, then, that the best I fear I can I hope for is a new Chryco 500 that's smaller than the newest Coopers?

Yes.

Until they arrive, I'll just have to enjoy dreams of this lil' rat-motored terror from the 2009 SEMA show, and marvel at what might have been.

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Photographs via the Autoblog.

seriously, i can do better than this

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In the past 10 or 12 years, I've been through quite a bit. I've lived. I've learned. I've loved. I've lost.

Sometimes, though, I don't lose. Instead, everything comes together and I get things right - and on those rare days I really do Know what I am Doing, and I am the best in the business.

The ass-bags at Cerberus, CLEARLY, have never had one of those days.

See, it is in these two pages here, that we see Cerberus' alarming lack of creativity and talent. Here, in pages 1 and 2, of the eagerly awaited "viability plan" that Cerberus' Chrysler hopes to present to this great nation's government as justification - as PLEA - for billions of taxpayer dollars to bankroll the company's continued existence, we can see the problem.

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PAGE 1

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PAGE 2

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Blank.

That about sums it up, no?

Jalopnik's Ray Wert offered that the cover of Cerberus' presentation looked something like a high-school history report cover, circa 1997. I think he was being charitable.

See, in 1997 I was 19 years old, working for Mosler Automotive and generally screwing up my life with crazy debt, irresponsible spending, and other trappings of youth. I was also building websites, I was generating ad copy, I was processing photos, and I was completely Psyched about what I was doing. I was doing everything wrong, but I was Doing it ... and I was learning.

As before: I've grown since those days, but the most important thing I have learned is that success is a product of creativity, talent, and Hard work.

Cerberus, those stock-trading jagoffs who think "buy low, sell high" is somehow equivalent to "hard work", CLEARLY phoned this in. At no point, it seems, did anyone at Cerberus or Chrysler (from the copy boy on up to the CEO) even bother to even read this "viability plan" - arguably the single most important document in Chrysler's history. Arguably one of the most important documents in the great history and Rapidly approaching future of this troubled America.

If they read it, and let it out into the wild - then that is worse. THAT, friends, means that they saw the utter half-assery of the whole thing, the buffoonery and the stupidity, and simply let it slide.

In this, Cerberus has revealed themselves to be a bunch of chumps, fakes, and liars. Chumps, fakes, and liars that, it should be noted, want to continue to play CEO with other people's money, and who darkened the star that Lee himself made shine so bright when similar challenges faced him three decades ago.

May the "men" of Cerberus starve in a soup line, and rot in a particularly nasty and Wiggles-infested circle of Hell.

things that make my brain itchy, part 1

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I know it's Aussie dollars (which are like Canuck dollars, presumably with koalas on them, rather than loons) but that "Yes we can!" theme and high-dollar pricing being advertised ... I dunno, the whole thing is just bizarre.

Happy MLK day, everyone!